Je t'aime, quand-même

don't eff with my thorns

2009-03-02T18:56:00.002-05:00

12:46 AM

Tina: when was the last time that I told you that you make me laugh hysterically sometimes?

me: why's that?

12:47 AM

Tina: I just got your twitter on my cell phone.

me: oh. hah! well, my stupid rose bush is new and already has a death wish.

Tina: ah, bummer

12:48 AM

when did you get a rose bush?

me: and it's freezing in my room with the window open!

saturday

i wanted to grow roses to put in my hair!

Tina: that is exciting.

that would be awesome!

me: it is! i already did saturday night.

Tina: ooo, it already has roses?

me: maybe the bush is unhappy with me and my scissors...

Tina: probably

12:49 AM

it is having revenge on you

me: yes 11 and 2 buds

Tina: are they very expensive?

me: 5 euros

12:50 AM

Tina: that isn't bad at all.

How big are the blossoms?

me: about 1.5-2 inches in diameter, little bastards!

let's fly to the moon, just for now

2008-11-24T09:49:00.000-05:00

i don't believe anyone who thinks they've got it all figured out.

caught

2008-10-24T04:56:00.002-05:00

i lied to you
about not updating this blog
while i'm in france
but you can read it anyway
if you want to

i'm warning you
though
that i'll only write
crap
here
and it's not that important
for you to read
but it's important
for me to write

love.

the art of finding oneself

2008-10-24T04:45:00.004-05:00

i know where i am and
i keep waiting for myself to knock on my own door
toc toc toc!
even my onomatopoeia is in french
that must mean
i'm making progress

no one comes and
i'm standing myself up
on purpose because
i'm waiting for something
that i used to know

i am
i know how to be
i won't
act like i still need to figure that out

how can i look for myself in a place i've never been?
i don't really want to find myself
somewhere else
because i already know where i am
and i like it a lot

remember me i saw you on the tram

2008-10-23T20:15:00.003-05:00

does that pop tab
that you've laced into your shoe
make you feel good?
i also notice
that you have two different shoelaces.
you remind me of someone
who has two different shoelaces
too.

I hate it when people post song lyrics.

2008-10-23T11:01:00.001-05:00

Dear someone listening in the shadows,

I only talk to you sometimes. And though I ask for help in riddles, it is clearer in my mind, clearer in my mind.

Born of a sign that carries vessels, but in a month as cold as ice. I know I question things too quickly, but I have never questioned if I've loved, loved.

Dear someone watching from the shadows, I'm clenching water in my fists. The drops, they slip right through my fingers, but there's water on my lips, water on my lips.

Born of a sign that carries vessels, but in a month that brings just ice. I know I question things too quickly, but I've never wondered if I've loved, loved.

Dear someone watching from the shadows, you've seen me lose all the water from my hands. I'm not a skillful water carrier, but the raindrops keep falling on my head, falling on my head.

Born of a sign that carries water, but in a month that brings just ice. I'm not a skillful water carrier, but I've, learned to carry love, learned to carry love.

I'm not a skillful water carrier, but I've learned to carry love.

what's today, tuesday?

2008-10-22T10:45:00.005-05:00

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don’t feed me violence, just run with me
Through rows of speeding cars
The paper cuts, the cheating lovers
The coffee’s never strong enough
I know you think it’s more than just bad luck

There, there, baby
It’s just text book stuff
It’s in the ABC's of growing up
Now, now, darlin’
Oh don’t lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah

Sleeping pills, no sleeping dogs lie never
Far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I’ve watched you slowly winding down for years
You can’t keep on like this
Now is as bad a time as any

There, there, baby
It’s just text book stuff
It’s in the ABC's of growing up
Now, now, darlin’
Oh don’t kill yourself
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah

It’s okay by me
It’s okay by me
It’s okay by me
It was a long time ago

It’s okay by me
It’s okay by me
It’s okay by me
It was a long time ago

There, there, baby
It’s just text book stuff
It’s in the ABC's of growing up
Now, now, darlin’
Oh don’t lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah

There, there, baby
It’s just text book stuff
It’s in the ABC's of growing up
Now, now, darlin’
Oh, don’t kill yourself
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah

notice

2008-09-01T19:19:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow morning at 6:50 a.m. EST, I will begin an approximate year in France. I will no longer update this blog during my time away. Instead, please check in with me at http://elizabethinfrance.blogspot.com.

Don't be strangers, kids.

kiss me and don't cry (it's just for a little while)

2008-08-20T18:35:00.003-05:00

My home will be here Thursday through Sunday:

That's right, biatch. Floor 32.

this car is for sale for $5995

2008-08-19T21:28:00.003-05:00

It's cute, clean and runs well, too. I'm leaving the country and have to get rid of it.

1998 Subaru Forester (Rocky Mountain Edition):
- 10,000 miles on rebuilt engine (150,000 miles total)
- 5 doors
- CD/cassette player, FM/AM radio
- new battery and front brakes, relatively new tires
- 1 previous owner (all owners non-smokers)
- body in good shape
- Carfax and maintenance records available

Please, pretty please, buy my car. E-mail me at elizabeth.suzanne.brown@gmail.com if you're interested.

i can say goodbye better than you

2008-08-15T16:51:00.005-05:00

Today I dropped and fatally damaged Ethan's Canon PowerShot A630, a refurbished camera for which he paid about $150. I promised to replace the damaged goods, and it's going to cost me dearly. (What's $200 compounded for 20 years on a student loan at 5.3%?)

This transpired while we were working on a photo shoot project for Mama, who requested that we take some "serious" photos of each other before our respective departures for France for the year. Needless to say, we didn't finish the project, but we got a few decent shots before I ruined everything.

UPDATE: My parents kindly signed over to me the rebate check from my new iPod nano for $199. Now I can afford to buy the camera and have it shipped to Ethan overnight. Just goes to show that even when one has written off one's parents for financial assistance, they sometimes pull through. 'Rents rock.

and she started a slam poem as an excuse to tap heavily on the keys

2008-08-15T00:36:00.000-05:00

quand l'aîné connais pas
ce que le jeune a trouvé
il faut pas remarquer
il faut démarquer que les deux sont uniques
qu l'une peut pas comprendre
mais c'est pas just "un autre" mais son frère qu'ils veulent prendre!
et putain qu'il est obstiné, dommage que c'est sa vie
elle ne peut rien faire car quand elle l'approche
il fuit

il faut l'avortissement d'accoutumance, mon frère.

now let's all just relax and calm down

2008-08-04T21:37:00.002-05:00

Independence, KY -> Yellow Springs, OH = 1:34 hours

Ethan's "surprise" will be here by morning and I can finally enjoy my gift to myself.

What's the point of blogging if I'm going to be so vague? If M. weren't out of town, I'd have sometime to blab to excepting the World Wide Web.

Someone remind me to post more pictures of Kai and Amélie once their fevers break.

yeah, but did tom sawyer ever look this clean?

2008-07-25T23:16:00.006-05:00

Ethan, Papa and I drove to Chicago and back home all in one day. The occasion was an appointment at the French consulate where we sought our student visas. We had a delectable Italian lunch at Pizano's, which Ethan and I had discovered with Colin last June. The prices have increased by about $5 per bowl of pasta, and the portions have been halved, but it was still so worth it, we all agreed.

I really can't bear being a tourist in Chicago. It still feels so homey and natural to me to be there. A text message exchange with Spencer, a phone call to Laura, and an invitation from Nancy to stay in her brand new condo downtown at the corner of State and Randolph inspired me to use my credit with Southwest to fly back before I leave for France September 2. Turns out that I'll have some time off while Kai and Amélie are vacationing at the beach, so I can make a long weekend of the whole thing.

one, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more

2008-07-23T20:20:00.005-05:00

push for right, pull for left, and yes, you can pedal forward

2008-07-23T19:59:00.004-05:00

My family is fabulously good at turning a bore into a party. This past weekend, the company with which my mom recently started a new job held a picnic in New Carlisle. We hardly knew anyone and Papa had to leave early, but the rest of us had a famously good[ish] time.

The grown-ups were having hors d'oeuvres in the kitchen

2008-07-14T19:12:00.005-05:00

In preparation for Monday, my return to work as full-time nanny to Kai and Amélie, I've been rehashing the good old days of 2007. I just found the following footage, taken by Colin last Christmas, stored away and forgotten during the long winter. During a dinner party, Amélie babysat the kids in the living room, telling us of the joy and angst of being four.

Sometimes I'm content to do nothing at all

2008-07-07T10:47:00.003-05:00

There is a certain blissful sort of morning that I spend in Yellow Springs. It usually consists of plenty of coffee in various states (hot with cream, black over ice). Today I'm hanging laundry to dry on the clothesline, listening to locally produced music, and reclining with Ethan in the living room. We are silent save for the occasional suggestion of an activity, something to replace our boredom. But we're not really bored, and these assertions are dismissed without vocalized dissent.

Nowhere on the program does one find a shower or real clothes. Ethan and I wear boxers and Adidas running shorts, respectively, and tee shirts. Our hair looks sleepy and our skin is dewy and unwashed. There's nobody around to see us. We're just sipping our coffee and looking at the ceiling.

We're perfectly happy.

Sometimes I seriously wonder about WordReference.com

2008-06-24T08:46:00.001-05:00

pack	vi	(fill a room with people)	entasser vtr ⇒
The concert hall was so packed that you couldn't even see the band.
*Ils ont entassé les prisonniers dans les wagons.

She thought she wanted a ring with diamonds but she really wanted a diamond ring

2008-06-23T22:18:00.003-05:00

I'll say it: I'm a fool for shallow movies. Something about watching female protagonists who, say, would commit a violent crime for a pair of Manolo Blahniks gives me a strange sort of hope.

In the past week I have seen the Sex and the City movie and "Priceless," starring Audrey Tatou. Tatou plays Irène, a glorified hooker, a trophy girlfriend whose prizes come with a price tag.

The unexpected result of these two moviegoing experiences has been that I feel more comfortable than ever in my own skin. Women are meant to idolize the likes of Carrie Bradshaw. And why not? There are about a million dollars worth of couture between our worlds. Hey, any woman would be envious!

Strangely, I'm not going to preach about looks not mattering. They do. Call me superficial (I call myself "aesthetically concerned"), but I have a society-induced overly critical eye when it comes to my appearance.

The good news is that the only standards I force myself to live up to are my own. The bad news is that my standards are set at unrealistic levels.

I can't say for certain why Carrie Bradshaw makes me feel wonderful. I think that when I spend a movie with characters like Carrie and Irène, I don't see the unattainable aspects of their appearances (like $525 gorgeous Blahniks), but our similarities. My hair is a lot like Carrie's. I have zits, and she has a mole. (At least mine go away.) I'm probably as thin as she is.

It's an obvious point to make, but please allow me because trust me, it's a big one by my book: Sarah Jessica Parker doesn't have much on me. I might even have one or two on her.

At the end of the day, we're much alike. Except I sleep in underwear and a tee without a long strand of pearls. Sorry, Carrie.

I also disagree with critics of Sex and the City who write it off as being irrelevant to real life. No one knows where Carrie Bradshaw's money comes from (and it seems to be an endless stream), but at least she spends it on clothes and not Botox (which she abhors). For how much she's willing to drop on a pair of shoes, she is an extremely real woman, whose mascara runs and who sometimes puts on too much makeup by accident, whose hair is frizzy and whose fingers are fat and masculine. She doesn't have perfect skin, and she looks awful when she cries.

So lay off my Sex and the City. Give me 40-something, unairbrushed, old-maid-stood-up-at-her-own-wedding Carrie and her realistic love woes any day.

And as for the shoes--a girl can dream, right?

No One Questioned They Were Kin

2008-06-15T01:04:00.005-05:00

They Told Her She Looked Different SInce They'd Seen Her Last

2008-06-13T21:40:00.004-05:00

Somehow I always pull in to town listening to the "Here We Go," the first track on Dispatch's Bang Bang. There's no significance to that song, really. It just sounds good with the windows down. I always come into Yellow Springs with my windows down, no matter the temperature. I also always drive south on OH-68 until its intersection with Limestone Street, even if I'm ultimately headed in the opposite direction.

You tell me.

Elizabeth is busy. Try again later.

2008-05-15T13:43:00.001-05:00

We're going to Chicago this weekend. It's like looking forward to sleeping in your own bed after months away from home.

Fucking's All The Rage

2008-05-12T13:06:00.010-05:00

This quaint Austrian town has an unfortunate name.

I felt the need to verify this photo on Google Maps.

There it is, right there on the Fucking road. None of the Fucking residents seem to understand the joke.

Clearly they are far more mature than their British counterparts.

Sleeping In The Sun

2008-04-26T16:59:00.001-05:00

Sometimes there's enough time between busses to take a catnap.

Vote For Colin

2008-04-21T07:05:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, Colin entered a song he wrote in a scholarship competition offered by Brickfish.com. The $500 award is given based on the number of votes each song, which must support a cause or candidate, receives.

This is promotion of the shameless sort, but anyone who knows Colin knows how much he needs the money. (Have you seen the HOLE in the sleeve of his jacket?)

Voting takes ONE second. Maybe two. More if you actually listen to the song first. Please help him out by voting here.

April Seeds Dreaming Of Sky

2008-04-11T12:49:00.002-05:00

David Hassler
Wick Poetry Center
Satterfield Hall
Kent State University

Dear Mr. Hassler,

I arrived on campus this morning to find reminders of two great literary influences from my childhood. First, I saw signage for a Virginia Hamilton conference at the student center. Ms. Hamilton was a driving force of creativity in my hometown of Yellow Springs, Ohio, until the time of her death. Climbing the stairs by KIVA, I smiled. I like to see Virginia honored as she certainly deserves to be.

Then I picked up a copy of the Daily Kent Stater. Who should I find on the cover but David Hassler, the first poet I ever recognized as such and another literary influence on me! I excitedly read the story about Maggie Anderson and learned that you work here at Kent State, and in the Wick Poetry Center (to which I submitted a poem for scholasrship consideration this past winter).

Please, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Elizabeth Brown, and I was a second grade student at Mills Lawn School in 1996 when you acted as Poet in Residence. Oh, how I admired you! Your residency was my foray into the poetic world.

I remember being particularly influenced by a poem from your Sabishi book. The poem is about soba noodles. I had never tasted soba noodles. I walked home from school that day and annunced to my parents that we must try them, so vivid had I found the picture you painted in my mind.

Though I was unaware that I was learning the poetic devices that would eventually frequent my writing, it was you who first taught me how to use a metaphor or a simile. Yours was the first non-rhyming poetry I had heard (Shel Silverstein and Dr. Seuss had covered that department). Even without that sing-song quality that is rhyme, you showed us how to make our words effective.

I heard that you recently completed a second residency at Mills Lawn. No doubt those youths were as inspired as I, and someday may experience the same joy that I experience now in having rediscovered your presence.

Since second grade, I have been an avid reader and writer, particularly of poetry. I've been published in a few anthologies and try to write as often as I can, though a college student's schedule is hardly leisurely enough to allow much). My passion for writing of all sorts has only swelled since my elementary school days. I am a sophomore magazine journalism and French major here at Kent State, a recent transfer student from DePaul University in Chicago. As a new student here this semester, I have ached to find familiar and welcoming faces on campus. The Daily Kent Stater caught you at such an angle that I could not see your face, but your name was enough to bring a grin to my face and that cliché to mind: It's a small world, after all.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth Brown

The Weather Made It Even Better

2008-04-07T10:51:00.007-05:00

Last night, Colin's parents took us to the Civic Theatre to see Martin Scorsese's Rolling Stones concert film "Shine A Light."

Despite my not being a Stones fan, I enjoyed myself tremendously.

I even knocked out my postcard assignment for Photo Basics.

I'm A Pleasure Seeker, Looking For A New Distraction

2008-04-04T11:03:00.004-05:00

I want a cameo,

... and dresses.

Jonathan Rhys WTF?

2008-03-26T17:37:00.010-05:00

I just spent about ten minutes putting together a post about a CNN.com news story about the Showtime series "The Tudors" that falsly captioned a photo of Jonathan Rhys Meyers, the actor who plays Henry VIII, as John Rhys-Davies of "Indiana Jones" fame.

Since I noticed the mistake yesterday, it has been corrected.

I'm sorry I spent the time dealing with formatting issues, but ultimately, for the sake of accuracy, I'm content.

Library Search

2008-03-26T09:56:00.004-05:00

A slip of my hand when searching the Akron Public Library for the discontinued sitcom "Arrested Development" produced some amusing alternatives.

I Wasn't Supposed To Take Pictures, But No One Really Minded

2008-03-24T11:28:00.008-05:00

Liz, Drew, and Laura visited Colin and me from Chicago. We celebrated Easter with an enormous, collaborative breakfast and a trip to the Akron Art Museum (which is actually quite affordable - $5 for students).

Chai Oatmeal

2008-03-24T10:27:00.002-05:00

According to Mama, this is amazing. I post this for the sake of my own memory as much as for anyone who might stumble across it.

1-1/5 c. milk

1/4 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. cinnamon

1/4 tsp. ground coriander

1/4 tsp. ground cardamom

1/4 teaspoon ground turmeric

Pinch of saffron

Drop of vanilla extract

2 tsp. honey

3/4 c. rolled oats

2 tbsp. oat bran

Minced pistachios

Yogurt

1. Pour milk into a medium-sized saucepan. Add salt, cinnamon, coriander, turmeric and saffron and whisk to blend. Place pan over medium heat.

2. Just before milk comes to a boil, lower heat and let mixture simmer for about 5 minutes. Stir in vanilla and honey and whisk until honey dissolves.

3. Sprinkle in oats and oat bran and stir once or twice. Cover pan and leave over low heat for about 8 minutes, stirring occasionally.

(2 servings)

Nobody's Here, Nobody Hears

2008-03-22T17:29:00.005-05:00

Last Wednesday, I hit the town with a new eye and a new camera.

I found that few things had changed. Wokki, my former favorite Chinese take-out restaurant, is closed and being replaced by something called "Little Brother's."

The building next to my former apartment was gone altogether. Our building has been bought, too, and is probably scheduled for demolition to make room for parking.

My picture won't upload; maybe I'll try again later.

Locked Out

2008-03-20T16:16:00.002-05:00

I am locked out of Ryan and Laura's apartment, with no phone to boot. I am looking about the window of Starbucks, watching for Ryan.

Wait, there he is!

Starbucks

2008-03-20T14:28:00.002-05:00

Ryan and I spent our morning slash afternoony thing at Starbucks. We ate breakfast and I salivated while I watched Ryan eat an english muffin with egg, sausage, and cheddar cheese. I ate egg salad.

We tossed ideas back and forth for his screenplay, and I challenged myself to write a bit. I wrote a vignette about a group of mothers and infants sitting next to us, and feel a sense of "enormous well-being."

I also have "Park Life" stuck in my head, clearly.

I Bought A New Bag

2008-03-18T15:51:00.002-05:00

I bought a fucking awesome messenger bag today at Art Effect. It holds everything.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Chicago Bagel Authority!

2008-03-17T17:06:00.003-05:00

My veggie pizza bagel was green today in honor of the holiday. Usually I don't get excited about St. Patrick's Day, but this was pretty cute slash disgusting.

Calzones

2008-03-17T16:40:00.003-05:00

With no intruders to attack recently, Colin wielded his knife against a calzone I made the other night.

Bordeaux

2008-03-13T21:44:00.002-05:00

This evening I received an e-mail from Maryann De Julio, one of the French department heads at KSU. She told me that I've been accepted into KSU's year-long study abroad program in Bordeaux, France, where I will study for the entirety of the 2008/2009 school year.

This is very good news.

Oh, and Colin was accepted too. So that's perfect.

What's That Place Called?

2008-03-09T10:59:00.004-05:00

This morning, Colin was telling me a story about an amazing band that he had seen at, of all places, the DePaul student center. As we were listening to their hardly amateur CD, which he had purchased at their performance at a Katrina benefit, he reminded me of the even more amazing guitarist from this band, who I had met at an open mic at...

"What was that place called? You know, he was friends with... From DMAC... Who knew Melissa's... Luke. God, what WAS that place called?"

We wracked our brains for a good couple of minutes.

"Something and... something. Didn't it have an 'and' in the middle?"

We couldn't remember. We entrusted the answer to good ol' Google.

"Look on street view!"

After zooming in several times, we could see that the name of the coffee/ice cream shop at Lincoln and Sheffield was Savor the Flavor.

Fuck. We forgot the name of Savor the Flavor. Clearly, we need some Chicago.

Food Fight

2008-03-08T20:26:00.001-05:00

This is rather witty. Ian, eat your heart out (every pun intended).

I Have A New Computer

2008-03-08T20:12:00.002-05:00

It's a black MacBook. It's pretty.

Colin says that now I can vlog easily. Hmm.

I Ran This Far Today:

2008-03-06T17:07:00.002-05:00

View Larger Map

(times two, of course, which is 5.15 kilometers)

then I ate pineapple. hooray today.

Yellow Springs Part 2

2008-02-26T13:15:00.007-05:00

We ate homemade pizza, played with masks.

I drove home in under two and a half hours...

2008-02-24T14:39:00.002-05:00

... and I wasn't even speeding [that much]. Also I didn't have to pee.

Listened to Yeah Yeah Yeahs almost the whole way.

Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.

Weekend In Yellow Springs

2008-02-23T08:58:00.007-05:00

I'm visiting home for the weekend because my car is sick and Wayne is fixing her.

Hannah surprised me with a chic new 'do and an extra inch.

I soaked in the hot tub and now my hair is crazy wavy.

It snowed, rained, and froze, and everything looks plastic and fake.

And I shared an evening with my favorite kids and then some.

Project Runway's Jillian carries a gun...

2008-02-23T08:37:00.002-05:00

... on her thigh. How very Sandra Bullock of her.

I'm A Bad Blogger, But My Homework's Done

2008-02-10T20:44:00.000-05:00

: /

I get distracted.

"No Country For Old Men" @ the Highland Theatre

2008-01-25T09:09:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have yet to see No Country For Old Men, I highly recommend it.

I saw it at the Little Art Theatre, which desperately needs support. The Highland Theatre in my new neighborhood is also in peril, and No Country is showing there this weekend. I don't know how many Akron readers I have, but I would urge you to go see this film.

Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah

2007-12-15T17:11:00.000-05:00

Imogen Heap is working on her third album.

Read all about it on her iBlog.

Anticipation

2007-11-28T23:57:00.000-05:00

Christmas at the Brown house always includes this family of "dudes" (from top, Julia Reichert, Steve Bognar, and Lela Klein). Here's to new looks all around.

This year, Colin joins the mix. A few decorations have been pulled from the attic and needless to say, I'm excited.

Keep It In The Family

2007-11-26T23:26:00.000-05:00

Just as I felt familial pressure to buy a Skagen watch in order to stay on top of Brown family trends, I committed today to my first car, a 1998 Subaru Forester. It's not my dream car, but I love it for so many reasons, not least of all its trunk space (think of all the stuff we might have a whim to schlep around, Colin) and its completely rebuilt engine (it essentially has ZERO miles on it).

The European license plates are just a dream.

Papa's Breakfast

2007-11-26T23:12:00.001-05:00

This morning I caught Papa quartering and buttering his muffin! I took a picture on my phone, but sadly any means of connecting it to my computer are packed in boxes in Chicago. Wait for it.

(Anyway, everyone knows we all want to date our fathers.)

Mood Music

2007-11-20T00:28:00.000-05:00

Though I often sneer at people who can only seem to express themselves through song lyrics, I sympathize with finding a song that so perfectly expresses my mood that any explanation I can give myself seems merely a paraphrase.

At the moment, it's Citizen Cope's "Sideways."

you know it ain't easy
for these thoughts here to leave me
there's no words to describe it
in French or in English
well, diamonds they fade
and flowers they bloom
and I'm telling you
these feelings won't go away
they've been knockin' me sideways
they've been knockin' me out lately
whenever you come around me
these feelings won't go away
they've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
time will take them away
but these feelings won't go away

"Spleen" Was The Emo Of 18th Century French Literature

2007-11-04T12:53:00.000-05:00

Le mot « spleen » s’agit d'un mal métaphysique très complexe qui s'exprime chez Baudelaire dans nombres de ses poèmes. Les principaux thèmes qui s'y rapportent sont: la fuite du temps, la tentation du Mal, la notion d'enfermement, la hantise de la mort et le regret de ses souvenirs. Ce mal profond l'éloigne des autres, du monde qui le comprend de moins en moins.

Three Entries In 16 Days

2007-10-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

From my journal:

Monday, October 15 3:15 p.m.

The lack of correspondence I have had with this little book, my loyal and always attentive companion, of late should serve as some signal to the enthralling and constant demands on my attention. My inability to spare empty moments for the necessary release of tension and extraneous thoughts that I collect signals the amount of anxiety that plagues me. Now I am faced by the sorry statistic of these three entries over the past sixteen days (one of which was interrupted and thus ends midway through the fifth sentence), and the thought of making up for lost time is almost as stressful as chucking this book into Lake Michigan and never writing again.

What is my life coming to?

FAFSA

2007-10-14T10:17:00.000-05:00

In filling out the FAFSA for Kent, my mama sent me her employment information, etc.:

Elizabeth,

I’m guessing what you need:

The Antioch Company

888 Dayton Street

Yellow Springs, Ohio 45387

(937) 767-7379

Position: Executive Assistant to CEO

Dates of employment: 5/01 through present

Base pay: $50,190

Current weight: 134

Diet: Low carb

Hair color: Macaroon Chocolate

Eyes: Clear blue

Attitude: Generally optimistic

Spirituality: Catholic with hints of pagan

Party status: Life of

Does this help?

Love,

Mama

Leaving Early

2007-10-14T10:13:00.001-05:00

I recently made the decision to transfer from DePaul University in Chicago to Kent State in Ohio. The reasons are many - a better journalism program, lower tuition and living costs, proximity to family, the opportunity to study abroad for an entire academic year, and Colin's decision to transfer there last year.

It's nothing personal, Chicago people. I've watched Colin go through the challenge of detachment from this city we call home, and it hasn't been easy.

Thanks For The Memories

2007-10-06T21:58:00.000-05:00

I've spent the past week in my hometown of Yellow Springs, Ohio. It's suffocatingly small and full of the characters of past, renounced life.

Refreshingly, this week I spontaneously saw some of the former "A" gang. I visited my high school. I cuddled with my family and napped on the screened-in porch. I squeezed in an extra weekend with Colin, and I watched my little brother win his soccer game.

And so, for not resurfacing pain, remorse, gossip, nor negativity, I thank you, Yellow Springs. I remember now that I love to be here.

But Really...

2007-10-01T22:21:00.000-05:00

I didn't have to be such a jerk about it.

Sometimes my inability to express anger coherently and calmly really works against me.

Tarnished

2007-10-01T18:22:00.000-05:00

This weekend I was so utterly betrayed by my greatest confidant. I was too quick to dismiss the wrong that was done and as a result I feel unjustified in being angry and disappointed.

But fuck that. I am disappointed and hurt, and afraid.

I've never felt so unclean in my whole life.

Smell

2007-09-26T12:58:00.000-05:00

Today, as I left my apartment, I smelled after-school-in-October. I smelled crisp leaves and hot apple cider at soccer games. I smelled crunch-under-my-feet walks, holding hands, and jackets. Scarves and socks and sitting-on-cold-cement invaded my nostrils.

Could it be that fall is here at last?

So I Haven't Updated In A Really Long Time

2007-09-22T17:13:00.000-05:00

So what?

They're Serious

2007-08-09T16:04:00.000-05:00

This New Zealand couple wants to name their 2-month baby "4Real". They decided on the name after first seeing an ultrasound of their son, when they realized that their baby was "for real." The government has refused the registry, claiming that names cannot include numericals. The Wheatons plan to name the boy "Superman" instead, but call him "4Real" as a nickname.

Long Live Childhood Dreams

2007-08-09T15:52:00.000-05:00

This one, on the other hand, I am willing to let die. Hard.

But It Never Happens

2007-08-08T16:01:00.001-05:00

I keep thinking that one of these days I'll have life all figured out.

Ma Réalité

2007-08-07T21:13:00.000-05:00

The people who currently understand me best are three and three quarters and five years old. We are scary monsters. A "belly massage" is code for a tickle attack. We make funny faces to cheer each other up. We dance wildly to Raffi and fall asleep on pillows on the floor. This is our reality. Would I trade it? Only for my own children.

What Happened To The Potter's Cat?

2007-08-04T15:03:00.001-05:00

Is it Crookshanks or what? And WHY haven't we found out yet?

I Can't Stand Only Children

2007-08-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

I'm thoroughly convinced that you can't raise a perfect child. Two or three maybe, but not just one.

The Thirteen Highlights Of My Thirteen Hour Workday

2007-07-25T21:16:00.000-05:00

1. The best buckwheat pancakes I've ever eaten, with homemade blueberry syrup. "That's yucky. I won't eat it," says Amélie.
2. "Elizabif! I have to pee!" Amélie scurried across the kitchen, then stopped abruptly in front of the table. "Oh, no. I'm peeing." A sizeable puddle was visible around her feet.
3. Impromptu bath time for Amélie.
4. The location is the Yellow Springs Public Library. Amélie is playing computer, her tiny ears hidden by panda bear-shaped headphones. These invariably cause her to speak in a voice that is inappropriately loud for daily life, let alone a freaking library. "ELIZABIF. I PEED ON THE CHAIR."
5. Bath time (from the belly down) #2 for Amélie.
6. Noon: "Ravioli is poopy poopy pee-on-you," says Kai. None of us finished our lunch.
7. "I hate ice cream. Just kidding, I love it. Did I trick you, Elizabeth?"
8. Amélie, speaking to her wallet, which she is having trouble zipping: "Do I always have to be SO difficult with you?"
9. "Elizabif, remember this morning when I peed my pants? Ah haha ha!" How could I forget.
10. "Elizabeth, you're asleep." "Mnnn nm nmnm, nma." "What?" "I said, 'No, I'm not, Kai.'" "What?" "No, I'm NOT, Kai." "Haha, I made you say it THREE times!"
11. "Elizabeth, am I giving you a headache?"
12. "Elizabeth, that was only THREE seconds of crazy time. You said we get TEN." Kai counts on his fingers. "That means we get TWELVE more. Because TWO plus TWELVE equals TEN."
13. "Um... Elizabif?" "Yes, Amélie?" "Um.... uh..." "Yes, Amélie?" "I love you."

Tuesday Morning

2007-07-17T07:46:00.001-05:00

I am sickeningly bad at keeping a normal blog.

Breastfeeding Baby Sophie

2007-07-02T18:28:00.000-05:00

This morning, three-and-a-half year old (pronounced, invariably, "free - and a HAFF") Amélie pushed the wide-eyed baby doll across the floor of our playroom fort. "She's crying for you," she said matter-of-factly.

"Oh." I picked up the doll and began to cradle her in my arms, cooing gently to stop her from "crying."

"Not like THAT," Amélie inserted, exasperated. She snatched the baby from my hands, took it to her own chest, where she yanked her shirt up and pressed its plastic mouth to her nipple, or "noobie," as she calls it. "You have to NURSE her. Otherwise she'll just keep crying until you do." She passed the doll back to me and demanded that I try. When I pressed the doll against my shirt, Amélie sighed and gave an apparent eye roll.

"How can she get milk if you keep your shirt on?"

"Oh, Amiyama, I can't nurse her like that. I'm sorry." I wasn't uncomfortable lifting my shirt for this free-and-a-haff year old, but couldn't help thinking that it skirted the line of indecency on the job.

"Um.... Uh. Why?" She crunched her face up, as is her habit, as though the mental strain of this mystery was physically painful.

"Ma puce, I can't. Remember the other day, when we talked about why you have to wear underpants if you're going to pull your dress up around your shoulders?"

She pensively pressed her forefinger to her chin. "Yes." She nodded.

"Well, this is the same thing. Those parts of us are private, and it's just not appropriate to show them to people who aren't part of our family. That's why I nurse Baby Sophie over my shirt."

We sat in silence a few seconds. Amélie's face was still scrunched perplexedly, but not because she didn't understand my refusal.

"Okay, Elizabif, but... " (At this point she lowered to voice to a whisper, cupping her mouth with one hand.) "Baby Sophie is hungry."

"I guess you'll just have to nurse her yourself, Miss Amiyama."

Suddenly, Amélie snatched Baby Sophie from me in an almost violent manner. She slammed the dolls face against her naked chest and looked me dead in the eye, shaking her head. Finally, she spoke, resignedly: "I have to do EVERYTHING around here."

The Reason I'm Partial To Mapquest

2007-05-24T00:26:00.001-05:00

This must be prefaced by a recognition of a false statement on my part. "Oh, about... 2 hours? No more than 2 and a half hours." I know. I was being casual. I placed false trust in my memory.
Estimated driving time from 45387 to 44321:
Mapquest 2 hours 53 minutes
Google Maps 2 hours 54 minutes

See?

Piano Prodigy

2007-05-16T16:31:00.000-05:00

Kids like this undermined all my painful practice hours. That's right, I mean YOU, Olivia Chen. And Tina Chen. And Andy Chen as well. And you're all Asian, too. And have the same last name. Weird.

Remplie

2007-05-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

Oh, the confine of youth.
How it cages my instinct,
Which every sinew in my body
urges me to obey.

As the opening of her blooming buds,
or the unfurling of her new leaves.
Arrest this undoing -
I am no slave to the coming of Spring.

A "Good" Thing For America, Dommage Pour La France

2007-05-15T18:34:00.000-05:00

In France's recent presidential elections, conservative Nicolas Sarkozy was chosen as le nouveau president of France.

Read about it here.

Everyone's Doing It

2007-05-13T20:34:00.000-05:00

On April 25th, the barely 17-year-old Whale Rider star Keisha Castle-Hughes gave birth to a daughter, Felicity-Amore, with her boyfriend of three years, 19-year-old carpenter Bradley Hull. Life imitating art? Keisha had just finished filming in the role of the Virgin Mary (who was also married to a carpenter) when she became pregnant.

I Thought It Was A Camera Effect

2007-05-11T07:40:00.000-05:00

L'union libre

2007-05-01T23:58:00.001-05:00

Today I fell in love with a poem by Andre Breton. The English translation does it no justice, so I won't post it, but suffice it to say that if this poem were a person, I'd do it. And that's worth sharing.

Forgive me seeming silly for posting it in French. I can't help it.

<< L'union libre >>

Ma femme à la chevelure de feu de bois
Aux pensées d'éclairs de chaleur
A la taille de sablier
Ma femme à la taille de loutre entre les dents du tigre
Ma femme à la bouche de cocarde et de bouquet d'étoiles de
dernière grandeur
Aux dents d'empreintes de souris blanche sur la terre blanche
A la langue d'ambre et de verre frottés
Ma femme à la langue d'hostie poignardée
A la langue de poupée qui ouvre et ferme les yeux
A la langue de pierre incroyable
Ma femme aux cils de bâtons d'écriture d'enfant
Aux sourcils de bord de nid d'hirondelle
Ma femme aux tempes d'ardoise de toit de serre
Et de buée aux vitres
Ma femme aux épaules de champagne
Et de fontaine à têtes de dauphins sous la glace
Ma femme aux poignets d'allumettes
Ma femme aux doigts de hasard et d'as de coeur
Aux doigts de foin coupé
Ma femme aux aisselles de martre et de fênes
De nuit de la Saint-Jean
De troène et de nid de scalares
Aux bras d'écume de mer et d'écluse
Et de mélange du blé et du moulin
Ma femme aux jambes de fusée
Aux mouvements d'horlogerie et de désespoir
Ma femme aux mollets de moelle de sureau
Ma femme aux pieds d'initiales
Aux pieds de trousseaux de clés aux pieds de calfats qui boivent
Ma femme au cou d'orge imperlé
Ma femme à la gorge de Val d'or
De rendez-vous dans le lit même du torrent
Aux seins de nuit
Ma femme aux seins de taupinière marine
Ma femme aux seins de creuset du rubis
Aux seins de spectre de la rose sous la rosée
Ma femme au ventre de dépliement d'éventail des jours
Au ventre de griffe géante
Ma femme au dos d'oiseau qui fuit vertical
Au dos de vif-argent
Au dos de lumière
A la nuque de pierre roulée et de craie mouillée
Et de chute d'un verre dans lequel on vient de boire
Ma femme aux hanches de nacelle
Aux hanches de lustre et de pennes de flèche
Et de tiges de plumes de paon blanc
De balance insensible
Ma femme aux fesses de grès et d'amiante
Ma femme aux fesses de dos de cygne
Ma femme aux fesses de printemps
Au sexe de glaïeul
Ma femme au sexe de placer et d'ornithorynque
Ma femme au sexe d'algue et de bonbons anciens
Ma femme au sexe de miroir
Ma femme aux yeux pleins de larmes
Aux yeux de panoplie violette et d'aiguille aimantée
Ma femme aux yeux de savane
Ma femme aux yeux d'eau pour boire en prison
Ma femme aux yeux de bois toujours sous la hache
Aux yeux de niveau d'eau de niveau d'air de terre et de feu

The Sticker Says It All

2007-05-01T21:58:00.000-05:00

( the end )

2007-04-26T23:09:00.000-05:00

words on a page
just loose spirals of thought
nothing much, really
just my heart, college-ruled
nothing much, really

you urge me to read these words i've put down
as you lay in my lap
i spoon-feed you my fears
i spill all my doubts
nothing much, really
nothing much, really

you tell me they are beautiful
and kiss me on the neck
but you’re missing the point
you never listen to me anymore

i want to hear the truth
and i’ve ripped myself open
to show you what’s inside
i know you love me
okay
just lie to me tonight

if you listened for the meaning
of what i’ve written down
you’d know that it’s just you
that causes my unrest
that makes my hand shake
you make me unhappy
and i’ve written these sad words
to make clear what i can't seem to say
nothing much, really

but you tell me they are beautiful
and try to hold my hand
you never listen anymore

you’re dancing around the subject
you don’t want to make me cry
i appreciate your effort
but i want to hear the truth
i’ve ripped myself open
because i know we’re through
yes, i know you love me
okay
i love you, too

let me show you to the light
this could be so much easier
just lie to me tonight

Shift Happens

2007-04-18T17:00:00.000-05:00

Take it for what it is.

Chicago Beat L.A.

2007-04-16T12:56:00.000-05:00

We've been waiting for weeks to hear the result of the 2016 Olympic bid.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/olympics/cs-070415oly,1,3445788.story?coll=chi-sportstop-hed&ctrack=1&cset=true

Turns out we have to wait until OCTOBER 2009 to actually find out if Chicago can stick it up against all the OTHER nations of the world. Can Chicago beat the likes of, say, Barcelona? I just don't know.

What a tease.

He Might Have Wanted It For The Afterlife

2007-04-15T13:12:00.000-05:00

In a 2005 article for my Egyptology class:

The team may have also located Tut's lost penis, which was catalogued during the 1920s but absent during the 1968 x-ray examination.

Though researchers could not be certain, they said the penis is likely loose in the sand next to the body, surrounded by skeletal fragments such as vertebrae, thumbs, and other missing digits.

Phew. And we thought it was gone forever.

Undeserved Understanding

2007-04-01T23:45:00.000-05:00

"There is no rational time frame for human emotion. Words will come clearly when they are meant to."

Sometimes I really don't feel like I deserve patience.

Advice

2007-03-30T13:52:00.000-05:00

Simone takes a long drag from her cigarette and carefully readjusts herself on the bed, rolling over to lie on her side. She gingerly rests her head on her free right hand, the smoke from her cigarette stub unfurling about her head.
"You can't write that," she says.
"Why not?"
"Well, first of all, it's true. Don't be one of those sappy writers who always tells the truth."

What's Today? Wensday?

2007-03-28T15:39:00.000-05:00

A chalkboard hanging at The Bean in the SAC today read "White Mocha Wensday". No joke. I wanted to take a picture but felt a bit creepy.

Sometimes I wonder if education is all it's cracked up to be.

There's No Place Like Home (When You're Sick)

2007-03-12T20:09:00.000-05:00

c> c> c> ... c> c> ... c> c> c> c> ... c> c>

Those look more like ice cream cones but are actually my tears falling, puntuated by sniffles.

Karma?

2007-03-06T14:01:00.000-05:00

I opted for crappy coffee in order to make it to class on time, only to discover that Italian was cancelled. On top of it all, I returned to Munroe to find out that I didn't have my keys.

I practiced piano for an hour, and watched the better part of West Bank Story on my iPod in the common room (sans furniture, thanks to my alcoholic neighbors) before Andrea rescued me.

Apparently this is what I get for looking forward to this evening.

Breakthrough

2007-03-06T09:44:00.000-05:00

This morning, Heloïse told me that she wanted me to take her to school everyday, until she is a
grand-mère. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I would be a grand-mère long before her, or that school doesn't last forever. Neither would be well received., but I was flattered nonetheless.

Happy Friday!

2007-03-02T15:42:00.000-05:00

I'm so happy I could ... do something really wild. This weekend was already going to be incredible, but now I have peace of mind in addition (and I'm off work again this afternoon, amazingly, and all day Monday, too). This is more than I could have asked for, and the unexpectedness of it all makes it even more sweet.

I must be dreaming, or we're onto something. I must be dreaming for I don't fall in love lawlessly.

Just Can't Help That I Love Her

2007-03-02T01:04:00.000-05:00

Imogen Heap's "Headlock"

"What's today, Tuesday?"

2007-02-28T02:03:00.000-05:00

This profound bit of sixth grade genius, which I (and others, too) still quote de temps en temps, is a vague inside joke which I will refrain from explaining. Tuesdays are unpredictable, that's all. Also, I apologize in advance: I generally eschew posting anything so emo and self-exposing as what follows, but I feel the need to put it down and my hand and my journal had a falling out about fourteen pages ago. Forgive me.

I am blessed with the ability to absorb each moment fully, passionately, and likewise cursed with a certain naïvety that leaves me unprepared not to partake entirely in the moments against which most people learn to armor themselves.

These are things that I cannot bend to fit into sentences or paragraphs, or anything so logical: fear, uncertainty, the absurd truth of Alanis Morissette and Ani Difranco (at Jocelyn's insistance, of course) that keeps me laughing, the tugging on my stomach, leftover happiness that I dare not suppress, an attempt at detachment, a reminder to myself that I love spontaneity, the smell of beeswax on my pillow, my refusal to let days like today define me, the mounting excitement over Thomas's impending visit, and a smile that teases my lips: hope.

It's a good thing I'm optimistic by nature.

Good News... On The FAFSA?!

2007-02-27T10:28:00.000-05:00

2007-2008 SAR PRINT SUMMARYDO NOT MAIL THIS DOCUMENT OR A COPY OF THIS DOCUMENT TO THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION.THIS IS YOUR COPY OF YOUR APPLICATION INFORMATION.

Student ID
008724399 BR 01
EFC
22735
DRN
8841

Oh, what?! Is my Expected Family Contribution lower than the cost of tuition plus room and board? Quelle miracle. I may actually not be completely destitute someday. Maybe. If I marry well.

Serious Study Time, Abbey, SERIOUS!

2007-02-26T20:53:00.000-05:00

"Where it burst the earth was torn in such a manner that two or three butts might easily have gone into the hole it made."

"While I was in this situation I observed at a little distance a French horse, belonging to some islanders, which I thought I would now mount, for the greater expedition of getting off. Accordingly I took some cord which I had about me, and making a kind of bridle of it, I put it round the horse's head, and the tame beast very quietly suffered me to tie him thus and mount him."

-Excerpts from The Life Of Olaudah Equiano

What I'm Missing About Home Today

2007-02-26T17:05:00.000-05:00

1. Sweet Mama kisses, and the way she smells like warm milk, and Johnson's baby powder; familiar physical contact and cuddling in general.
2. The way Ethan and Archie spoon on the living room carpet and, when Ethan scratches his belly, Archie's leg twitches rhythmically.
3. Walking in the Glen with Thomas and talking and not noticing how far we've walked but only the starkness of the tree branches against the sky and the ice in the river and the brightness of the orange rock of the Yellow Spring against the white snow.
4. Coming home from the Glen and tossing my clothes into the dryer while I sit on top in my underwear and write in my journal, then putting them back on and climbing under my covers and writing some more.
5. Mexican hot chocolate: Milk, cocoa, sugar, cinnamon, almond extract, and chili powder.

A Long-Expected Visit

2007-02-21T23:53:00.000-05:00

Thomas is coming.
Oh my God.

Ash Wednesday

2007-02-21T11:57:00.001-05:00

Hunger puts everything in perspective.

The Downside Of Taking A Personality Test On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown

2007-02-21T00:29:00.000-05:00

Evidently I am emotionally unstable.

Check out my
personality profile!

Never take a personality test
(a) on Mardi Gras, when preparing to give up chocolate for Lent. All of that cocoa has a very strong effect on your hormones.
(b) when you are P.M.S.-ing and feel like crying for no particular reason.
(c) at nearly midnight under the above conditions, when you have not started your homework yet and also have to wake up in approximately six and a half hours for work.