"What's today, Tuesday?"

This profound bit of sixth grade genius, which I (and others, too) still quote de temps en temps, is a vague inside joke which I will refrain from explaining. Tuesdays are unpredictable, that's all. Also, I apologize in advance: I generally eschew posting anything so emo and self-exposing as what follows, but I feel the need to put it down and my hand and my journal had a falling out about fourteen pages ago. Forgive me.

I am blessed with the ability to absorb each moment fully, passionately, and likewise cursed with a certain naïvety that leaves me unprepared not to partake entirely in the moments against which most people learn to armor themselves.

These are things that I cannot bend to fit into sentences or paragraphs, or anything so logical: fear, uncertainty, the absurd truth of Alanis Morissette and Ani Difranco (at Jocelyn's insistance, of course) that keeps me laughing, the tugging on my stomach, leftover happiness that I dare not suppress, an attempt at detachment, a reminder to myself that I love spontaneity, the smell of beeswax on my pillow, my refusal to let days like today define me, the mounting excitement over Thomas's impending visit, and a smile that teases my lips: hope.

It's a good thing I'm optimistic by nature.

Good News... On The FAFSA?!

2007-2008 SAR PRINT SUMMARYDO NOT MAIL THIS DOCUMENT OR A COPY OF THIS DOCUMENT TO THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION.THIS IS YOUR COPY OF YOUR APPLICATION INFORMATION.

Student ID
008724399 BR 01
EFC
22735
DRN
8841

Oh, what?! Is my Expected Family Contribution lower than the cost of tuition plus room and board? Quelle miracle. I may actually not be completely destitute someday. Maybe. If I marry well.

Serious Study Time, Abbey, SERIOUS!

"Where it burst the earth was torn in such a manner that two or three butts might easily have gone into the hole it made."

"While I was in this situation I observed at a little distance a French horse, belonging to some islanders, which I thought I would now mount, for the greater expedition of getting off. Accordingly I took some cord which I had about me, and making a kind of bridle of it, I put it round the horse's head, and the tame beast very quietly suffered me to tie him thus and mount him."

-Excerpts from The Life Of Olaudah Equiano

What I'm Missing About Home Today

1. Sweet Mama kisses, and the way she smells like warm milk, and Johnson's baby powder; familiar physical contact and cuddling in general.
2. The way Ethan and Archie spoon on the living room carpet and, when Ethan scratches his belly, Archie's leg twitches rhythmically.
3. Walking in the Glen with Thomas and talking and not noticing how far we've walked but only the starkness of the tree branches against the sky and the ice in the river and the brightness of the orange rock of the Yellow Spring against the white snow.
4. Coming home from the Glen and tossing my clothes into the dryer while I sit on top in my underwear and write in my journal, then putting them back on and climbing under my covers and writing some more.
5. Mexican hot chocolate: Milk, cocoa, sugar, cinnamon, almond extract, and chili powder.

A Long-Expected Visit

Thomas is coming.
Oh my God.

Ash Wednesday

Hunger puts everything in perspective.

The Downside Of Taking A Personality Test On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown

Evidently I am emotionally unstable.

Check out my
personality profile!

Never take a personality test
(a) on Mardi Gras, when preparing to give up chocolate for Lent. All of that cocoa has a very strong effect on your hormones.
(b) when you are P.M.S.-ing and feel like crying for no particular reason.
(c) at nearly midnight under the above conditions, when you have not started your homework yet and also have to wake up in approximately six and a half hours for work.

Impressions

I'm spending more time worrying about how what I'm doing is being interpreted than I am spending just... being.

Finally, A Bit Of Recognition

I've been mildly obsessed with Amadou et Mariam over the past year. The blind duo from Mali performed at Bonnaroo in 2006 and their 2005 album Dimanche A Bamako was just selected as the BBC's World Music Award for Best Album of 2006 and Best African Album of 2006. And, in case their names mean nothing to you, world music legend Manu Chao produced Dimanche and appears as a guest performer. Download it here.



Review by Chris Nickson
Amadou & Mariam, the blind couple from Mali, have certainly paid their dues over the last 30 years, and it's about time they received their big break. Certainly given the excellent reviews in Europe, Dimanche a Bamako could be it, thanks to the production and participation by the elf prince of world music, Manu Chao. He brings a playful lightness to their soulful, bluesy Malian sound, letting in plenty of sunshine, and drawing in a sense of place through the ambience of traffic sounds and snippets of conversation. Chao is also obviously present on several tracks, such as "Senegal Fast Food," which offers a bouncy, reggae-styled rhythm so typical of Chao's own records. But even when not so obviously asserting himself, his presence is felt in the space he creates, and the use he makes of Mariam's admittedly limited voice (she's good, but no one will ever mistake her for one of the word's greatest singers), as on "Beau Dimanche," for example. Lyrically, this is very much an album of love songs, postcards between the couple, but it never veers into maudlin sentiment. Yet there's also a political edge to it, such as with "La Realite." Even if you don't understand the words, however, the entire disc is an absolute aural joy, poppy enough to be exquisitely memorable, yet with layers of resonance underneath. Likely to be one of the world music albums of 2005, it can hopefully find the kind of wide audience it surely deserves.

O.D. On Activism?

Tina suggested I visit this website that ticks off the dollars the American taxpayers put out for the war in Iraq. When I stopped feeling frustrated about that, I watched An Inconvenient Truth. When I calmed down from the outrage THAT caused me, I went to the DePaul Campaign to End The Death Penalty Meeting. I was about to go to sleep when Becca sent me this irreverent video about nuclear weapons.

Things are looking pretty dismal.

Almost

"And if I am a sailor,
then you are the warm gulf wind,
and you've blown into this little port
and roused my dreams again."

Too Much To Say

I want a new journal right this very second.

M.

Her picture fell down today. She is framed on my dresser, and also above my desk. Four years ago we thought the black and white prints were artistic - now the grayscale fittingly adds age, makes the past seem even more distant.

I can't bring myself to replace the picture. It fell so purposely from the pegboard above my desk and landed on the rack that holds my jewelry. The picture is askew in the cheap plastic frame, and tilted just-so, her expression loses some of its skepticism. I like that.

I'm still not sure why I've built a shrine to her photos, both those of her and those she took of me. She got me right on film; she made the camera know me like she did. I thought I had captured her as well, but out of her half of the roll of film, I chose to frame two unlikely pictures: her facial expression critical at best in one, and her lying on the grass, eyes shut, in the other. Maybe I captured her as well as I thought, and at the time I let myself believe that blind and sassy were just the faces she put on for the camera.

I'm still bitter, but I think the little swell I get in my chest, the way my throat still catches a little when I look at these pictures, is love.

Gargh...

I just spent two hours fixing my printer (which has been broken since before winter break) ... And actually got it to work! Wow! I was so proud of myself that I immediately printed everything that I would forseeably need for my classes.

And then my printer broke.

... At least I know how to fix it now?